Around the first of each month, I revamp my to-do list. I separate the short-term to-dos (get oil change) from the longer-term ones (do taxes, finish screenplay). Often, these longer ones end up being repeated, month after month, until they get done.
One I’ve been rewriting for two years now has been “trap Grace.” At the beginning of each month, I’d say and write it again: “trap Grace.” Even as I’ve started to come to grips with the idea that she is really gone and I won’t see her again, when I saw this list item today I burst again into tears. The plain truth is, I failed Grace. I tried repeatedly to catch her, but I failed. So clearly, I didn’t try hard enough.
Erin (upon whose dainty shoulder I leaned yesterday) said that was ridiculous – that I did everything I could. But did I?? I’ll have to really examine that before I let myself off the emotional hook.
Meanwhile, after Big Mike went missing (soon after Carrie and I tried to trap him), he reappeared in recent days, looking about the same – which is pretty awful. He is holding his paw in the air, and in the bend of his front leg there is an open wound. He is chatty and acts like he’s starving, so I know he’s not dying. But he has to be in excruciating pain. I can barely stand to look at him, knowing he’s suffering.
The good news is that he is trusting me more. In the last two days he has eaten right in front of the carrier/trap, and this morning went halfway into it. Tomorrow, I’m hoping to nab him and get him to Dr. Sue. Light a candle for him… and for me!
I don’t always love this open-heartedness I’ve grown into. I had to introduce a film that Litquake was co-presenting at the Green Film Festival the other night: a documentary featuring the brilliant author Jonathan Franzen, about the poaching of songbirds. I had assumed they were poaching them to sell them in pet stores; instead we were treated to seemingly endless shots of cooked songbirds in various dishes. WHO CAN EAT THIS?? my brain was screaming. I had to leave after 15 minutes, missing my chance to meet Franzen. Sigh.
So here are a few new to-do’s for my longterm list: don’t beat yourself up more than you should. Ask for help even when you think you can do everything yourself. Recognize that you can’t bat .1000 with critter rescue every day. And try to let yourself off the hook when things go terribly wrong.
Forgive me, Gracie. I loved you as well as I could.