Struggling with a wide-open heart

March has been such a whirlwind. No time to breathe let alone blog. But so much has happened!

Little Maude has found a home – thanks to a fortuitous/blessed “share” I made in an essay class. I was talking about blogging and told my students about Critters and Saints. This led to a student saying she was looking for a mellow kitty to be her preschool-age son’s first pet. This led to a lovely visit wherein the occasionally cranky Maudie was sweet as pie with this darling boy, who announced that she was just fine with him, and he would be taking her home now. In fact, he found a pouch of her treats, and said he would be carrying them for her. His mother let him know that they needed to talk first to Daddy, but when they did, Little Maude got the go-ahead. I take her to them on Sunday, and pray she is just what they want and need for that gorgeous little boy.

Simultaneously, Ritz the wayward alpha Maine coon showed up in the parking lot again. GROAN. His adoption had not worked out because apparently the young barista who took him home had failed to ask her parents if she could keep him. Poor boy was back again on the street. This time I got more involved – fanning out the word about him, and posting him on social media. Talk about telegenic!!

Ritz video 2

Within a week he was spoken for by a lovely retiree in Mill Valley, and with the help of his caretaker Lisa, we collected him and I drove him North. His new mom was thrilled to have him in her beautiful hillside home – but there were a few ruffles. As I was in New York last week, both working and freezing my butt off, I got the call that Ritz had bitten her. Also, he was hostile to her other kitty. She was not sure it was going to work out.

Maybe it was being in New York, which I find less wonderful every time I visit, but the news hit me hard. Poor Ritz was so overdue for a break!! And so was I. Mocha was gone; couldn’t I have a trouble-free leave of absence from my life for just a week?

I also realized when I was in New York how dependent I am on the energy I get from animals. Any animals. I found myself chirping at pigeons, and pausing on the rare occasion when I saw a songbird in a rare tree, to stare in fascination. The huge skyscrapers surrounding me at all times no longer impressed; instead I kept angling for a bit of sky. I felt painfully lonely without a cat to sleep with. And the pursuits of ambition seemed less satisfying and more hollow. I felt wildly out of balance.

I emailed Simone to tell her my thoughts and her response was that this is what happens when your heart opens and softens, and there is no going back now. Not sure how I feel about that. Balance is hard enough to come by on a good day. Can’t I go back to being a selfish person who can see a need and not care to fill it?

Once back at home, balance was yet elusive, as I threw myself back into the 90-mph life I’ve created for myself. Things are going better now for Ritz and his new mom – at least she’s giving him some more time – but I craved a sighting of Grace, whom I had not seen since the 16th. For three days I left food without seeing her. And just this morning, there she was: just down the ravine, crouching on the wet earth, blinking a hello after almost two weeks of absence. I sat on the sidewalk, took the first deep breath in weeks, and talked to her a bit. The world seemed to slow down, my deadlines disappeared, and balance seemed like it could just be around the corner.